The Moments That Made Us
by BabyBee29
Summary: Sometimes life brings us together with someone we would never have imagined being friends with. Charles James and Molly Dawes went through several extreme situations on Tour that forged a bond between them despite a rocky start. Told from Charles James' POV.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Our Girl. Everything you recognise was created by Tony Grounds and is owned by the BBC**

 **A/N This is my first FF - please be nice!**

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 **Chapter 1 - The First Time I Nearly Lost Her**

Before all hell broke loose, I'd been enjoying some easy chat with Dawes about her life at school or, as she informed me more accurately, her non-existent life at school! It was interesting to treat her like a person for a moment, and find out a little about her. After all, we'd had a pretty rocky start to this tour, and although in part that was largely down to me, I felt I had a bloody good reason for my behaviour.

We certainly hadn't got off on the right foot when she rocked up on the tarmac at Brize Norton ready to assume the position of class clown. I was already unhappy about receiving a last minute replacement after working tirelessly preparing my platoon for the previous 6 months, and I was even less impressed to discover we were being sent a teenage girl, fresh out of training.

Private Molly Dawes, supposed medic, immediately got under my skin by delivering some cocky joke on the back of mine. First impressions count and that was about her worst move possible if she wanted to fit in and have a good tour. In one fell swoop she had sent herself straight to the bottom of the class. I wheeled out Captain Stern Face and was all ready to help her learn a few valuable lessons and, believe me, I can be relentless. She'd re-ignited the doubts I'd had prior to meeting her, and after her opening performance she was going to have to do some serious back pedaling to dig herself out of the hole she'd dug for herself.

Things certainly didn't improve during the first few days. She was cocky, outspoken, full of wisecracks and seemed determined to try and undermine my authority. Time and again she seemed not to be taking what we were doing seriously in any way. I started to doubt that she would ever cut it as our medic and it seemed that my best bet would be to send her packing, back on a plane home and out of my hair. I feared she would be a total liability and end up infecting the rest of the platoon with her complete disrespect. She seemed to have no concept that this was the real deal and there was no room for error.

But luckily for Molly Dawes, most definitely for me in more ways than one, and indeed for the rest of the platoon, she got to stay, because finally we began to turn a corner. Not before time she started to pull her finger out and get her act together. The joker learnt when to keep quiet and she started to show some proper respect towards me. I suppose on reflection I was pretty hard on her. Especially my crack about being grateful she wasn't wearing her stilettos when she turned up for her first PT session in those tiny shorts, although I don't think the lads felt the need to complain, and it's only fair to include myself in that!

After she was targeted on her second patrol, she was pretty shaken up. I took the opportunity to spend a few moments with her alone to get her take on what had just gone down, whilst she tended to my 'minging feet' as she called them. Charming, although I had to admit it was probably a fair comment!

A few days earlier she had warned me about Smurf's state of mind which I had downplayed, perhaps unwisely, but understandably after her recent poor performance. However, his behaviour on that second patrol _had_ been reckless. He had gone crazy, firing bullets into a compound where he swore blind he could see the insurgent who was supposedly 'targeting the female'. Although no one else had eyeballed anyone, including me.

I was surprised to find that she was quick to defend his actions in return for him saving her arse (and I couldn't help but notice what an attractive arse it was too!) and I felt I had to give her credit for showing loyalty. I can't say I minded spending some time alone with her. I found she made me laugh, and couldn't deny she was attractive, plus her skills as a medic seemed pretty promising too as far as my blisters were concerned.

After she had defended him, I dropped my interrogation and the atmosphere relaxed between us. I told her, "I knew I didn't need new boots, nothing wrong with my old ones."

She gave a half smile "They'll wear in. Let me dress your blisters and you can get back to running us round the compound." Was she beginning to understand that I was in charge round here at last?

She seemed to back herself as a medic too. I challenged "Let's see how good a medic you are then Dawes," and she retorted, smiling genuinely for the first time, "The nuts sir."

Surprisingly, as she treated me her hands were amazingly gentle on my painful feet. She could have been rough with me but she did seem to take her job seriously. I found myself relaxing as she gently dabbed my feet with antiseptic and dressed them, "Now, don't forget Boss, I need to re-dress these every day until they're looking better."

"Yes ma'am!" I told her sarcastically. Nevertheless, I had to admit this was my first glimmer of hope that Private Dawes may turn out to prove me wrong.

I thought about our conversation, concluding that Dawes certainly had potential. Under that bravado she behaved quite differently one to one, much quieter and softer. I still felt uneasy about Smurf. Something didn't feel right. I'd had a word with him, but also needed to make sure Kinders was on board. Later that evening whilst getting some scoff, I shared my thoughts with him.

"I'm worried Smurf isn't in the right frame of mind. He's obviously not himself. His actions this afternoon when he was unloading into that compound were reckless. I need you to step up on this Kinders, keep a close eye," I told him. I think by the look on his face he could sense my concerns. "Yes Bossman, of course, agreed. I'll speak to him," he replied. "Let's make sure we've got this covered and catch any issues before anything else happens," I reminded him seriously. And with a confirming nod of his head I felt reassured, and we moved on to talk about matters back home and his blossoming relationship with his new lady.

And so today on our way to the Mountain CP was pretty much the first moment I'd let Dawes come up for air apart from our brief conversation in the med tent. I think she was just relieved to have someone to talk to as the lads had sent her to Coventry over that business with Smurf. After seeing the atmosphere in the Ops Tent earlier I'd made it my business to find out exactly what had gone down. Dawes informed me that Smurf was far from impressed that she had shared her views on his state of mind with me, labelling her a grass.

I only found out later on that Dawes had already met Smurf once before whilst she was on basic and had wound up having a brief encounter with him in a rather unfortunate location. As payback for the information she had imparted to me, it seemed he'd decided to disclose the details of their encounter to his comrades, with a few enhancements of how easy a lay she was. I had to admit I did feel for her.

I took the opportunity to reassure her that she had done the right thing by sharing her concerns with me, even though it had cost her. I was in command of this bunch of cockwombles and I needed to know if we had a loose cannon amongst us who might endanger our lives. As I allowed myself to relax in her company for a minute, I was surprised to find myself thinking that perhaps I'd somewhat misjudged Molly Dawes.

We arrived at the Mountain CP and everything seemed to be ticking along nicely but later that afternoon it all went to shit. Despite my orders and warnings, Smurf had disobeyed my command and gone down to the river bed and managed to get himself shot. I was bloody furious. We were a man down, and of anyone it could have been, why did it have to be Smurf? I'd already lost his twin brother Geraint on an earlier tour, which had been completely devastating. And as if this situation couldn't get any worse, he had the vallon with him. He was bleeding heavily and needed urgent medical assistance. It felt like an impossible decision to make, but it needed making and fast.

Behind me I could hear Mansfield getting stuck into Dawes, pressuring her to go down to Smurf. "He needs a medic," he yelled at her. Next thing I knew, I turned round to find her pleading with me to let her go and help him. Go into a minefield? Without the proper equipment to clear a safe path? "No way, no fucking way," I shouted at her angrily. What the hell was she thinking….but then, what was I thinking…telling her not to go?

We could hear Smurf. He was calling out in desperation for Dawes to help him. He was in a bad way and she was our medic. It was my call and I didn't appreciate being challenged on it by her, of all people, considering her previous form. I also wasn't convinced that she was up to the task but she was our medic and about Smurf's only chance. In that moment when I turned and looked at her, she appeared so small and vulnerable, just these beautiful green eyes, wide open, looking up at me, and I felt the need to protect her. But she soon snapped me out of that, pleading that she didn't want special treatment just because she was a female.

So that was it. Impossible decision made and we were off, down to the river bed. Or more like she was, and I couldn't help the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I contemplated everything that could go wrong. The risk to Dawes' life was huge, but there was no option. Smurf was losing blood rapidly and needed medical attention quickly or he would most certainly bleed out before help could get here. Seeing Dawes crawling on her stomach to try and reach Smurf evoked all sorts of painful flashbacks to the time I'd gone to retrieve Geraint.

I was suddenly aware that Dawes and I had a lot more in common than I'd initially given her credit for. In our positions we both felt more responsible than the others for everybody's safety and wellbeing. As CO and Medic we also had a responsibility as soldiers too. And we both lived life as relative loners within the section because of it, although in different ways. But her actions also made me aware that she was prepared to put her life on the line to do something she believed was right, just as I had when I'd disobeyed my Commanding Officer and gone to retrieve Smurf's brother. As I saw her move slowly down the river bed on her belly, I was being hit with a raft of emotions. Being completely out of control of the situation didn't sit well with me, I just wanted this to be over and to know they were both safe.

Slowly she inched her way nearer to Smurf and I kept in contact over the radio, making sure she was okay. She was getting concerned he'd gone quiet. The lads were shouting encouragement too, trying to make contact to keep him conscious. She was making good progress, but my anxiety was rising. I checked with her again, "Dawes, have you got eyes on Smurf, how is he? Speak to me," and in that instant it all changed. When that mine blew, my stomach tightened further and I felt paralysed. I wouldn't let myself believe what seemed to be in front of me. "Dawes, Dawes, Dawes," I screamed frantically. I couldn't stop calling her name. _Please move, for god's sake, please move_. Baz had eyes on her, in fact I could see with my own eyes that she wasn't moving. I started to fear the worst, I hoped and prayed she wasn't dead.

Then after what felt like a lifetime, she moved. I saw her sit up, and she made radio contact. "I'm alright, I'm alright….I can't believe I've still got my legs," she called out sounding shocked. The relief was overwhelming. She was okay, somehow she was alive. She still had her legs and was pretty near unharmed; a bloody miracle in my mind. I found myself feeling my own legs in sympathy. Then amazingly, she dusted herself down and continued on her quest to reach Smurf, who by now was nearly out of it and had stopped responding to our calls. I was astonished by the force of her will and her grit and determination.

Against the odds, she reached her destination, and set to work on him, but he wasn't in a good way. The MERT arrived in a matter of minutes. When I heard her radio back to me…. "I'm gonna have to go up with him sir," she sounded nervous and I was filled with panic again. No way, no fucking way was I allowing that to happen. I'd already nearly lost her once, not five minutes ago. I couldn't go through that again.

I was supposed to be the one in charge and here she was about to make her own decisions, disobey my command and put her life at risk. But as I started shouting my order at her not to go up on the winch, I had to question if it was a fair call. If I was in her situation what would I do? The trouble is, I already knew the answer to that, because I'd been in the same position and disobeyed my Commanding Officer and risked my life to retrieve Smurf's brother. I knew my order was probably unreasonable, but it didn't stop me giving it. It felt way too dangerous for her to go up on the winch _._ With the sniper still at large she could be jackpotted in a flash. I was sure she must have heard me but sure enough, as the cradle was raised up, just as I feared, she was on the other end of it, going up with Smurf, and there was nothing I could do about it.

With my heart thumping in my chest, I could hardly bear to watch. I was gripped with terror at the thought of her being harmed, but at the same time I was absolutely bloody livid. Private Dawes seemed to think she could make her own rules and do as she liked. It was my job to give out the orders whilst she obeyed them, but she had gone ahead and done exactly as she pleased.

I held my breath for the time it took. Only a few seconds, but it felt like forever. When she finally reached the chopper and got Smurf inside then herself, the boys were screaming at her in celebration. I wanted to join in with sheer relief, but instead had to make them realise how much danger she had put herself in by disobeying my order.

I _was_ bloody angry with her, but I was also bursting with pride and admiration at what she'd just achieved. She'd had the guts to put her life on the line to save Smurf without a second thought and she had done it in the most incredible way. I was in complete awe. She appeared to only be a cute little girl but her bravery was undeniable. Inside that tiny body was the heart of a bulldog. One thing was for sure: in just this one incident, she'd proved to me that she was an amazing soldier, an outstanding medic, and even more than that, she was a great human being who was willing to risk her life for anyone in her section. Moreover, she'd done all of this even though Smurf had tried to wreck her reputation and the lads weren't even technically speaking to her. She'd put all that aside and got on with her job. I was seriously impressed. I also knew there and then that I had most definitely underestimated her. Molly Dawes was far from the bad apple that I thought was going to infect the rest of the platoon.

As I watched the helicopter go by, up the valley and out of sight I felt pretty moved by what I'd just witnessed. Molly Dawes' actions had been fucking awesome. But she'd still disobeyed my order, even though I probably shouldn't have given it. If I'd been in her position I would have done exactly the same. For that reason I decided not to give her the bollocking that she was due, but I might just jerk her chain a bit because she needed to know not to make a habit of it. But I had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time she made her own rules. If I could be sure of nothing else, it was that Private Dawes was a feisty one and if I didn't keep her on her toes, she'd definitely keep me on mine!

Looking back, I know this was the moment where it all changed for me. The day I nearly lost her for the first time. After that day, I never saw Dawes in the same light again. My respect for her soared. Something had been switched on inside me and as hard as I tried, I could not turn it off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Our Girl. Everything you recognise was created by Tony Grounds and is owned by the BBC**

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 **Chapter 2 - The Second Time It Felt Like My Heart Would Stop**

Since saving Smurf's life, I think it's fair to say Dawes' place in the section had changed dramatically. The lads had been astounded by her actions. It was clear every one of them realised they had treated her like shit and she wasn't at all like Smurf said she was. They'd all apologised to her for their terrible behaviour. Over the next few weeks she had been properly accepted by the lads, and they'd made it their business to make her feel like one of them. She had proved to them that she could do her job but more importantly, she'd proved it to herself. I could see her letting herself relax with the lads for the first time. But where her work as a medic was concerned she remained professional, keeping herself removed from the men and that I could admire, since it was so like what I had to do as well.

I had to admit that I had most definitely been wrong in my first impressions of Private Molly Dawes. She _was_ rather cocky and outspoken at times and didn't know when to keep quiet, but since her actions that day I saw her in a different light. I respected her now and I fully believed she could cut it as our medic, neither of which I did before. Having said that, I still had a way to go in teaching her that I was in charge and she was expected to obey my orders. She continued to challenge my patience on a regular basis!

The day she wandered off in the village to give Bashira her scarf back was bloody awful. I thought I'd lost her then. When I tracked her down, I made sure she understood just how angry she'd made me...again. This girl certainly knew how to piss me off!

But credit where credit is due, she was pretty good at making me laugh too, and certainly brought fresh humour to the section outside of the usual football banter between the boys. And that was welcome from where I was sitting, being a die-hard rugby supporter. I bloody hate football. I'd prefer to talk about _anything_ but football!

The day Smurf returned Dawes was on top form. It was good to see him back after being injured but seeing her take the upper hand was even better, bearing in mind he'd been such a shit to her. Although he didn't like it much. I reminded him that he'd cocked up big time and if it wasn't for her he'd be dead. He needed to remember that.

I'm glad to say he took my lecture on board and started to show Dawes he was grateful for what she'd done. Although I don't know if Dawes would thank me if she knew I had a hand in it, as he took it upon himself to follow her about like a lost puppy. It was pissing _me_ off just watching him, so god knows how _she_ felt. Wherever she went, he seemed to be right there sniffing around her as if he was marking his territory. The next day we were back in the village on patrol and I was beginning to wonder if he'd permanently attached himself to her hip. I found them chatting together as I arrived, "You're only putting yourself in danger befriending that girl Molly," Smurf was telling her.

"Oh leave it out would ya Smurf," she replied, sounding irritated. "What's it gotta do with you anyway?"

"Look Molls, I care about you, I don't want anything happening to you," he said seriously. "I said I'd come back to you and I meant it. You saved my life, I wanna make it up to you Molly."

I wondered for a minute whether there might be more to their relationship than I thought, but changed my mind when I heard Dawes say, "Oh shut it would ya, you Newport numpty, I can take care of meself. Now let's just crack on. We're mates Smurf and that's all we're ever gonna be, so get over it." Then I saw him try to stroke her hand, the cheeky bugger! He didn't give up easily, even when told, although Dawes made it clear exactly what he could do with his hand! God that boy had some nerve. Had he forgotten just how bad he'd made the start of her tour? He was lucky she was even speaking to him. One thing's for sure - she could handle herself!

Oddly, I found myself feeling a bit downhearted by the fact that I couldn't spend time with her in the way that Smurf could. I don't know why I would even think that, it's so out of character for me. As a Commanding Officer I didn't have that luxury. I had to keep myself separate from all of my men. It made for a lonely life. Most of the time I could handle it, I was so used to it. The Army is all I've ever wanted, but since being on this tour I'd started to feel like something was missing, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.

Their cosy tête-à-tête was brought to an abrupt end, and I was ripped from my musings, when suddenly we heard shooting coming from somewhere close by. The village quickly turned to chaos. Shots had been fired into the wall in the school. The locals were warning us off. It didn't feel like an idol threat, and Qaseem agreed. It was very likely this would only be the first attack. We needed to stay vigilant.

The arrival of my paddling pool in the post that day lifted my spirits. Although Dawes thought she'd get cocky but I knew she'd soon change her mind when I was cooling off in my pool and she was still sweating buckets and covered in dust! I'd begun to wonder if my feelings for Dawes were edging past the point of professional. I'd let myself off, reasoning that surely it couldn't hurt to enjoy a bit of banter with a fellow soldier now and again – even if she _was_ female. I was ashamed to admit it, but I did rather enjoy taking the piss out of her whenever possible! It wasn't until we came out of Sohail's tent I realised that there may be more to it. I told her that she needed to focus on us and not get involved with them and that I needed her by my side. She assured me that she _was_ 100% by my side and the intensity of the look we shared gave me the sort of thrill that I haven't felt in a long while. As she walked off to go and read her letter she turned back to look at me….and caught me staring at her arse. Shit!

But luckily for me and my lustful thoughts it wasn't long before she had me tearing my hair out again. When Bashira turned up with her eye bleeding Dawes was insistent about treating her. I warned her she wasn't endearing herself to me, but gave her permission, and she thanked me. I think she'd missed the point. She was so exasperating, but enchanting nevertheless!

It later transpired that it was whilst she was treating Bashira's injury, that she had come by the intel that was to be crucial to our mission. So, rather annoyingly, I had to concede that was a point to Dawes. And that was not something I wanted to make a habit of!

Following the revelation from Dawes we left in the dead of night and carried out a secret mission in the mountains. I have to admit I had my doubts whether the intelligence would be right but it turned out she was bang on. It ended with us taking out five insurgents and Dawes saved the sixth. Once again she'd gone above and beyond and I was left standing in awe of Molly Dawes as she treated that man. Her willingness to see him as just another person that needed her skills as a medic, rather than as an enemy casualty, was pretty staggering. She said she was just doing her job but it takes a fair amount to impress me. She had a beauty and strength that ran right through her and I found myself captivated by it, and these feelings of mine were starting to scare the shit out of me.

Major Beck was full of praise for Dawes and from the beaming smile she gave it was clear she was happy too. I did feel a bit guilty wiping it from her face when I broke the news she'd be singing a duet with me, followed by a very unfortunate date with my minging feet!

I called over to her, "Dawes, got a minute? My blisters are agony."

"Yes Bossman," she replied heading over to the med tent.

"I'm afraid they really are stinking today!" I warned as we entered. It was in these times together that I could see her real personality shine through. We could have been mistaken for friends who had known each other for years; we just seemed to click. She was a good listener and was quiet and caring, and obviously hadn't had the easiest of times growing up. But that was what had made her the person she was.

"Why did you end up joining the army then Dawes?" I asked.

She began laughing, "Well Boss, if you really must know I'd had the shittest evening for my 18th birthday. Found out my tosser of a boyfriend was cheating on me. It weren't the best present! One too many and the next thing I knew, I was stumbling home and threw up in the doorway of the army recruitment office, and the rest, as they say, is history!"

Raising an eyebrow I said, "I see. Well Dawes, I think he did us all a favour that night, and my feet, Smurf and the living insurgent at Bastion are proof that you're in the right job!" And she hit me with one of her beaming smiles.

The atmosphere at dinner the night following the mission was great. The lads were in fine spirits and decided on an arm wrestling competition for some entertainment. It took me back to my school days.

"Come on then you numpties, I bet I can beat you all!" Dawes challenged and the lads fell about laughing at the thought of it. _Well this I had to see!_ After loads of larking about, taking them on one by one, Molly thrashed them all. It turned out she had a surprising secret weapon. "Years of practise with me brothers and sisters. It 'elped me master the art of a sure win!" She seemed too little to be capable of such things. As I'm not one to be left out, I thought I'd run the gauntlet! Hoping that the others might have tired her out a bit, I told her, "Come on Dawes, my turn."

"Really? Okay sir, if you insist. As you know I'm not one to disobey your orders," she joked, winking at me. Cheeky mare!

We took our positions opposite each other, and gripped hands. Mansfield counted us in "3,2,1, Go." "Go on Molly! Go! You can have him Molly." They all shouted in unison. Being beaten by a girl would be one I wasn't going to live down, although she'd beaten all of them! But she was right, she was a master. She bloody beat me, digging her fingers into mine to emphasise her victory. Oh well, I had to conclude that holding her hand for a few minutes was no hardship, even though the thought shouldn't have even crossed my mind.

Following the attack at the Mountain CP, another mission was set up the following day to retrieve the girl Bashira from the village and take her to a safe house in Kabul. We set out on our search and eventually found her in the village square, but something wasn't right. I shouted at her to stay where she was, whilst Dawes was stood still and silent, terror etched on her face. As she lifted her arms up we all gasped as she revealed a suicide vest. Every one of us was silently left asking what sort of father would do that to their child?

Then I didn't want to believe what I was seeing. Dawes started removing her helmet and pack and she started walking towards Bashira. Fear overwhelmed me.

 _What the hell did the stupid cow think she was doing this time?_ Over the course of the tour I had begun to get a handle on Molly Dawes. She had clearly demonstrated she was prepared to go above and beyond the call of duty and wasn't afraid to disobey orders if she felt something needed doing. So it didn't take long for me to realise what was coming next. Only this time my urge to protect her felt stronger than before.

I ordered her to get back, frantically shouting at the top of my voice. Smurf was also screaming at her, his anger also clearly evident. But her only focus was to keep Bashira calm and still and she shouted back at me to stop scaring her.

Once again that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach returned, taking me back to that god awful day on the riverbed when she'd gone to rescue Smurf, only it was much worse this time. I feared for her life but now it wasn't just because she was one of my soldiers. I realised in that moment that I felt something more for Molly Dawes. Dawes was a special soldier, I had definitely begun to understand that. But I also felt something above and beyond that. I was beginning to have feelings for Molly Dawes the person. She had made me look at things in different ways and she was different to anyone I'd ever known. I knew this wasn't the moment to be having this sort of revelation, and tried to push it to the back of my mind.

I thought she'd sussed me out when I was giving her the lyrics for our duet and called her 'Dawesy' by mistake, but luckily since her quip about winning me round with her charm and magnetism she hadn't mentioned it again. Thank goodness she'd exited my tent immediately afterwards too, because it would have only taken another second for my face to betray me and confirm to her just how much her charm and magnetism were winning me round! Especially wearing those bloody tiny shorts. They were enough to give any red-blooded male some very distracting thoughts and they were certainly working on me!

It's probably just as well Dawes didn't know how I was feeling as I doubted very much she would look at me twice. At nearly 10 years her senior, divorced and a father of one, (not that she was aware of those last two possible deal breakers), I was hardly a catch for her. At 19 years old she had her full life and army career ahead of her. She was utterly beautiful. Her bravery was unbelievable, and she had the most incredible personality. Molly Dawes could take her pick and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't stand a chance. Only time would tell. But for now, I needed to stay focussed.

With my heart in my mouth, I stood watching as Dawes remained right next to Bashira, who was still wearing the bomb. I knew I would never forgive myself if something happened to her. In those moments, which were only minutes but seemed like hours, it felt like I was holding my breath. When Qaseem heard over the radio they were trying to detonate the bomb I didn't think I could take another second. The girl had tears streaming down her face and looked utterly terrified, but Dawes continued to reassure her that she wasn't going to die. Her courage was undeniable. If it detonated there's no doubt it would kill both of them. I tried to think of any ways to stop that happening, but right now it seemed out of my control. Once again Dawes had called the shots, disobeyed my order and put her life at risk and, if I was fair, that was seriously pissing me off.

All the lads were doing their best to stay focussed, but it was clear that they too were shitting themselves. Bomb disposal finally arrived and started edging the vest off. I felt as if I didn't dare breathe as I watched. As it reached the floor I found my voice and screamed at Dawes to get back just as an ASF soldier whisked Bashira to safety.

I told Kinders to stop jamming and within seconds there was a massive explosion as the vest detonated just metres away from us. And it was in that moment my heart could have stopped. When I realised just how close Dawes had come to dying. And how close I had come to losing her; one of my soldiers, yes, but more than that as well. Thank God Lady Luck had played her part today.

Everyone looked stunned. The whole section, myself included, stood frozen. I wanted to grab Dawes, and scream at her to make her realise how close she'd come to dying. Didn't she realise how serious this was? Didn't she realise how much danger she'd put herself in for this girl? Didn't she realise how painful it would have been for her section, and me, if she'd died? But I knew it would be pointless to ask these things because this was who Dawes was. She was completely selfless and prepared to put another's personal safety above her own no matter what the cost. She was an outstanding soldier and medic, and an amazing human being. We needed to count ourselves bloody lucky we had her looking out for us on this tour.

This was the second time that I'd nearly lost her and, again, it changed everything for me. I began to feel a deep emotional attachment to Molly Dawes, like nothing I'd felt before and my feelings for her certainly intensified. Should I have allowed myself to have these feelings? Definitely not. But I knew there was no way back now I recognised them. Not until I'd found out if she felt anything for me, which I seriously doubted; she seemed way out of my league. But nonetheless I had to sound her out. It meant risking everything because I knew I couldn't wait until we got home to find out if my feelings were reciprocated. I should have waited out until we got home but I couldn't bear the thought of being this close to losing her again. If I found us facing another close shave with death, which was highly probable, I wanted her to know how important she had become to me. But I'd broken my own golden rule because where Molly Dawes was concerned there was no doubt in my mind that I was most definitely getting emotionally involved.

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 **A/N Thank you so much for all of your kind reviews and words of encouragement. They were a lovely surprise!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Our Girl. Everything you recognise was created by Tony Grounds and is owned by the BBC**

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 **Chapter 3 - The Third Time I Only Had Myself to Blame**

On every tour there are moments you never forget. The things you see and have to endure that change your life forever. Seeing that suicide vest strapped to that girl was one of those moments. But hopefully these get balanced with good moments, however fleeting they are in comparison.

Standing on stage singing that song with Molly Dawes was one of those good moments. In fact it was incredible, and it's one I'll never forget.

She took my breath away with her beautiful brown hair falling around her face and over her shoulders. She looked absolutely stunning and so sexy in that little black top. It certainly confirmed that she had all the right curves in all the right places. I struggled to keep my eyes off her and in fact I gave up trying. The thing she didn't realise was how I meant every word of that song. She had my heart in the palm of her hand and could so very easily break it.

Whenever she was around she would light everything up and that night I think all the lads could see what a great girl Dawes was. I was certainly in no doubt. By the look on Smurf's face I think he was rather peed off that I was the recipient of her gorgeous smiles, sharing that moment with her.

Some of the lads thought it would be highly amusing to give us a repeat performance, finding great pleasure in taking the piss out of our efforts. "Out the way Bossman, let the professionals through," Fingers had joked. I think Dawes felt she might be in with a chance on the X Factor after hearing their appalling attempt! I didn't know it was possible for anyone to make such a terrible noise and pass it off as singing. After that it had descended into a raucous night of karaoke and Dawes returned to the stage despite her initial reluctance.

Dawes and I talked a lot that evening, long after the others had hit their pits. We seemed so relaxed in each other's company.

"Do you miss being away from home Dawes?" I asked.

"Not much to be honest sir. Me and me Dad don't get on very well," she confided.

I told her how sorry I was to hear that but didn't want to pry, so I stayed quiet but looked at her so she knew I was happy to listen if she wanted someone to talk to.

After a while she carried on. "He weren't best pleased with me for joining up. He would have preferred me to marry that tosser that wrecked me 18th. Had some dodgy deal on that was gonna make him pots of money."

It's not often I'm lost for words, but in that moment I was. I know my Mum worries terribly about me being on tour, but my parents would never stop me doing something I believed in. "Listen Dawes, you did the right thing. You're an amazing soldier and medic. One of the best I've ever served with."

"Thanks sir. He turned me whole family against me, none of them would speak to me for a while," and it was obvious from her face it had upset her an awful lot, unsurprisingly. "You should be proud of what you've achieved Dawes, even if they can't be. I certainly am."

That night Dawes opened up to me in a way she never had before. It gave me the faintest glimmer of hope that maybe she felt something for me too.

I'd nearly lost her twice on this tour, and it had had a profound effect on me. My feelings continued to deepen, and at times I found myself so lost in her that I knew I needed to regain some control.

The day that Dawes was due to go off on leave I was enjoying some quality time with her. It was probably just as well Captain Azizi called me over because I had been enjoying taking the piss out of Dawes and her confusion as to what a euphemism was, all too much! The reason for his call brought us back down to earth with a thud, leaving Dawes to confirm her friend Rolex Boy dead, along with some other ANA soldiers. She was really upset, and I'd found myself wanting to comfort her.

Sending her on leave was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Sending her with Smurf was complete agony. I knew I should be waiting out, but I couldn't. If she was going with him, she had to go knowing that I felt something for her. I just hoped to god she felt something too.

She had me speechless for a moment as I stood in the doorway to the med tent as she was getting ready to leave. She had just got out of the shower and I could feel my heart hammering in my chest as I watched her standing there in her tiny shorts and tight t-shirt, drying her hair. I knew these feelings of mine were going to get me in trouble if I wasn't careful. I can't remember the last time I had felt like that about a woman. I lost sense of all the rules I've lived by for years, took hold of her hand and wrote the name of my coffee on her arm. I could have held her hand for the rest of my days. As I looked up, she was looking back at me and her eyes seemed full of an emotion I hadn't seen in them before. I asked her to come back to me and, when she said she would, it made me feel happier than I've felt in a very long time. I knew I was lost enough to have kissed her in that moment even though it was way too soon. As Kinders called me I jumped back to reality, realising how far I'd stepped over the line.

Watching the helicopter fly into the distance I knew I was facing the longest two weeks I'd ever spent on tour. And I wasn't wrong about that. It was full of never-ending days and restless nights which certainly didn't help make it pass by any quicker. She visited my dreams every night. Some of those visits were a real comfort, and others were so harrowing they made me not want to fall asleep.

The nights my dreams took me back to the times I'd nearly lost her were without a doubt the worst. They were so vivid. I'd see her body being thrown into the air on the riverbed when the mine exploded, then all I saw was dust and no sign of her moving. Other nights the sound of the explosion from the suicide vest haunted me, and every time it ended with her being blown up and killed. I'd wake from these nights saturated in sweat and so unsettled. Dreaming of her being with Smurf made me feel sick. I'd see them together, and hoped to god it wasn't my subconscious showing me what was really happening. For hours afterwards I would feel consumed by jealousy.

But the dreams of us being happy together were the ones I never wanted to end. The nights where she would visit me in my quarters, spend the night with me and share my bed. On these nights I was just like any other man, not a soldier. A man so in love and lust with his woman he could stay entwined and naked all night. I would dream of showing her, and every inch of her beautiful body, just how badly I'd fallen for her, and wake feeling so entirely satisfied and complete, until I realised she wasn't there with me. And then the emptiness would return. It was these dreams that made me know that whatever it took, I wanted to make them a reality. I wanted to wake up with Molly Dawes, her body wrapped around me every morning for the rest of my life. I just had to hope that Smurf hadn't got there before me.

One night after we'd finished dinner I'd totally lost it with the lads. They started talking about Smurf and Dawes, speculating about them being together. They were pissing around saying they reckoned Smurf had been planning to get Dawes to Newport to get his leg over. And that was it, I'd heard enough. "Right, all of you, shut the fuck up," I shouted. "If I hear another word, you'll all be on an extra 5K run first thing in the morning, understood?" They'd all muttered their 'sorry sirs', and looked a bit shocked, but did as I said. And I'd headed back to my tent to try and put it out of my mind, hoping they would end up being wrong.

I counted down every single day of that two weeks. It felt relentless and empty without her and made me realise how much I'd come to rely on her. On hearing the chopper I knew the waiting was over. Although things didn't exactly get off to the best start with Mansfield suggesting they looked like they'd been at it for two weeks. I felt so angry and jealous. I didn't bother trying to hide it, so all she got was a stiff welcome back. I knew I'd really hurt her but I didn't care because I felt so let down. I wanted to cause her the same pain.

I was still fuming when I found her in the med tent, but one cheeky grin from her had me hypnotised and flirting like a school boy again. I thought maybe I'd got it all wrong because she said she was pleased to be back and I was pretty sure she meant back to me. But then when Kinders burst in asking if she'd enjoyed Newport I was furious and I stormed out. Mansfield had been right and I felt like such an idiot.

I made sure I didn't give Dawes a chance to make amends, even though she put in a good effort. She'd waited for me outside the ops tent but I was arsey and wouldn't give her the time of day. Later she'd come to my quarters, and then tried again whilst I was on my evening watch. "Boss please…please listen to me," she'd begged. But I hadn't been in any mood to give in. I was still trying to deal with my feelings in my head. "Nothing happened between me and Smurf, it didn't mean anything; we just hung out together. Please believe me." But how could I believe her? So I'd carried on sulking and then heard, "Hurry up Dawesy, you've got someone waiting for you at the med tent," as Dangles had called her over and she'd left.

But it wasn't until later that evening when I returned to my tent that I knew I'd been a complete dickhead and totally fucked up. The sight of the coffee waiting for me on my bed was all I needed to confirm it; she _had_ come back to me. She'd thought enough about me when she was away that she'd gone out of her way to get my coffee and she wouldn't have done that if she'd been chasing Smurf, would she? But I'd behaved like a jealous idiot and knew I'd probably wrecked my chance. I'd jumped to the wrong conclusions and hadn't let her explain. And I knew that had left me looking like a right arsehole.

So when she turned up behind me on my way to investigate a sheet lying across the road which could have been booby-trapped, although I thought she was totally nuts and once again she'd made me furious for so stupidly risking her life, I also knew that I was bloody lucky she was prepared to give me another chance. Because I knew I didn't deserve it, I'd treated her like shit. I wanted to put her straight and tell her I loved her but the words hadn't quite left my lips before Sohail had the gross indecency to disturb us. But standing in the hospital ward I hadn't been able to help myself. I'd held her face in my hands and rubbed away her tears so she was left in no doubt about how I felt.

It was a relief to finally make it to Bastion after the journey we'd had. I called the lads together. They were shocked to hear that Sohail was dead but even more so to learn the reason he'd died, and it was obvious that Dawes was still pretty shaken up from what had happened. I was pleased to see them all give her some proper support in the form of hugs and caring words. It was fair to say, it had been a pretty shit couple of days.

I was still keen to get Dawes alone so we could talk. I really wanted to apologise to her for my behaviour yesterday and to make sure she was okay after this afternoon's events. I dismissed the lads and decided it was now or never.

"Dawes, a word in my office," I said, nodding my head in the right direction and we started walking over together.

Once we got inside she was looking a bit worried and said, "What is it Boss?"

With half a smile I reassured her, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. It's not every day you find out you're the Taliban's prime target is it?"

"No Boss, it didn't make me feel too good about things to be honest," she admitted. "I feel so sad about Sohail," and I could see it in her face as she spoke again. "I fucked up and because of me, he's dead," and she looked like she couldn't hold back the tears she'd been fighting any longer. I moved nearer and put my hand on her shoulder to reassure her.

"You can't blame yourself for this Molly," I told her definitely.

"But I shouldn't have got involved with Bashira. If I hadn't have got involved, Sohail would still be here," she said as the tears started rolling down her cheeks.

With that I held her to comfort her and we just stood in silence for a while until her feelings passed and she found the resolve to straighten back up. Giving me an embarrassed smile she looked up and said "Sorry about that Boss."

Being in contact with her made the rest of what I wanted to get off my chest a bit easier, so I motioned for us to sit on the edge of my bed and said, "Look Molly, about yesterday….I do care about you. I want you to know that I love you. That's why I behaved like I did when you got back."

"Like a tosser you mean," she returned.

"Yes, like a tosser. I believed Mansfield about you and Smurf being together in Newport," then nudging her I added, "Thanks for my coffee."

She shrugged, "Yeh, well, you're not always right you know."

"I know. But I am really sorry. I should have given you a chance to explain instead of storming off to sulk. I know I hurt you. I want us to be together, or at least make it home so we can try," I said encouragingly.

She smiled in agreement, "Hmm, well, me too."

"But you know we've got to wait out don't you? We can't risk anyone finding out or it'll be the end for both of us," I told her softly.

She looked at me cheekily and said, "I know that. Oh and Boss….just for clarity, if Smurf was the last bloke on the entire globe, _and_ had a face and personality transplant…I'd still rather go without," and with that we both laughed.

It took every ounce of my willpower not to lean over and kiss her. But I knew how much I wanted her, and I was sure if I allowed myself to get any closer I wouldn't be able to stop at a kiss. I hoped she could tell what was going through my mind by the longing look on my face. But it was going to have to be army regulations from now on or we were going to find ourselves in deep shit.

We both stood up, and giving her a reassuring smile I said, "It's only three weeks and then we'll be back home." Although a look of doubt seemed to pass across her face.

"Okay Boss, three weeks," she agreed, then with one of her cheeky grins added "I don't know how I'm supposed to keep my 'ands off you til then, but I'll try!"

"Well…ditto," I assured her.

Smiling at each other she turned and let herself out of my room, and I sat back on my bed. I felt relieved that we'd been able to have a few minutes together after what had happened. And I'd made my feelings clear to her. Now I needed to get back to doing my job and make sure I got us all home in one piece.

This was the third time I nearly lost her but it hadn't been down to her risking her life. This time I knew I'd only had myself to blame. After this I knew without a doubt that I loved her and wanted to get us home so we could be together. Until I met Molly Dawes, the Army _was_ all I'd ever wanted, but I'd found the thing that was missing, and now all I wanted was her.

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 **A/N Glad you are enjoying my take on the story! Thank you for your reviews and continued encouragement.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Our Girl. Everything you recognise was created by Tony Grounds and is owned by the BBC**

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 **Chapter 4 – The Moment I Lost Her**

The last time I thought I'd lost her was the worst because this time it felt like I'd lost everything. Everything that I'd come to rely on over the course of this tour. Everything that had become so important to me. And everything that I was looking forward to making my future about. I thought I'd lost Molly Dawes once and for all.

You'd think this was because she'd crawled across another minefield, got blown up, shot dead, or carried out some new heroic act that had gone wrong. But no. It was none of those reasons. The reason was much closer to home. You'd think I would have learnt my lesson after being such a dickhead when she got back from leave. But no, it seemed that I hadn't. This time I nearly lost Molly Dawes because, to put it bluntly, I completely and utterly fucked up.

To say I'd been struggling to keep my side of the 'waiting out' agreement we'd made would be an understatement. Whenever she was anywhere near me I felt the need to have my hands tied behind my back, but as that wasn't an option, keeping them firmly in my pockets had to do. I have never felt desire for another person like I do for Molly. She does, and did, things to me I didn't know were possible, and she hadn't laid a finger on me yet. Just that alone gave me the most amazing feeling of excitement, imagining the potential of what could lie ahead. The chemistry between us was almost tangible and the sexual tension was literally bubbling over. I've never known anything like it. The looks she was giving me could make me dissolve in a second. But I couldn't. It wasn't an option out there because of my damned duty of care. She flirted with me in such a subtle way that only I knew what she was up to, and I couldn't risk flirting back in case we were found out. It was torture. The day it happened started badly; she was overly flirty with me and I had to brush her off. Maybe I _was_ a bit brusque, and she seemed to doubt the strength of my feelings for her.

I tried to straighten it out when we set out on a mission to capture Badrai and told her as convincingly as possible that I had no intention of letting her out of my sight. That I would protect her and make sure she came to no harm. Although what I didn't say was that I meant for the rest of our lives. Because that is how I'd come to think of Molly Dawes; as a forever part of my life. I tried to make eye contact on our journey but failed because she refused to look at me, instead taking the time to mull over her doubts, I shouldn't wonder. So I was going to have to think of another way to make her understand that I hadn't changed my mind, and that 'us' wasn't a mistake.

A mistake? Bloody hell, she must have been joking! If only she knew the torture I was going through trying to keep my thoughts about her appropriate when we were in public. And waiting until I laid in bed alone at night to indulge in my increasingly inappropriate thoughts, longing to have her with me so I could show her just how indecent I could be!

I hadn't meant to be so curt with her at the end of the debrief with Major Morley but the pressure of her being so crucial to any mission to capture Badrai was really getting to me. It was such a risk. Something could easily happen to her. It hadn't been long since we'd lost Sohail and it was clear Badrai wanted her dead. Plus she'd just been punched in the face by an insurgent on our latest operation and I'd failed to keep her out of harm's way. But she didn't know I was worrying about all of that and I needed to try a bit harder to keep it buried.

As we walked off from the debrief I caught up with her. "Are you okay Dawes?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" she replied, sounding pissed off with me, which didn't feel like a good start.

I stopped walking, hoping she would too, so I could have a chance to look at her and show her my concern. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay after your run in with that guys' fist earlier!" I said half smiling, but wishing she knew how much I really cared about her.

"I can take a punch Boss," she joked, and I felt pleased to see her mood lighten a bit. As least it felt like I'd broken the ice between us.

We looked at each other for a moment and I offered, "Well, go and get cleaned up and grab yourself a shower," then lowering my voice to a whisper I added, "And remember, I care about you."

She looked up and smiled at me. "Thanks Boss." And she walked off, looking back at me as she went, and I just hoped to God that I would be able to protect her when it came to it.

From a work perspective I'd come to understand that one of the most suitable words to describe Dawes would have to be infuriating. And bloody infuriated I most certainly was when she went ahead and requested permission from Major Morley to speak to the detainee. This was the same detainee who had punched Dawes only hours earlier and was claiming to know her, even though she didn't recognise him, and who claimed she'd ruined everything for his family and who was looking for revenge. She clearly had a death wish, and I felt really pissed off when Morley agreed to her request, and she went, against my wishes, to face up to him.

After learning Bashira was no longer safe Dawes went off on one. She was distraught and I took her into my office to try and calm her down. Her lack of self-belief really bothered me. That the amazing person who had completely changed my views as to how things should be approached out here had absolutely no comprehension of the difference she'd made shocked me. But it gave me the opportunity to reassure her and also to show her how I felt about her.

She gave me the most incredulous look when I reminded her that when we got home I'd no longer be her Boss. Her sheer disbelief at my use of the term 'we' was astounding. She really didn't get it did she? She had no idea of the depth of my feelings for her, and just this alone made me sure of two things.

Firstly, when we finally made it out of this godforsaken place, this girl was getting wined and dined and treated like the most important person ever put on this earth, because that's how I thought about her. She was amazing and brave and strong and kind and caring and funny and warm and loving. And I don't think she had a clue just how many wonderful qualities she had. Not to mention her pure beauty inside and out; I'd never seen her look anything less than gorgeous, even when she returned after being blown up by a mine. And secondly, I was going to show her what it means to make love. And I _meant_ make love. Not just sex, not just a quick shag to satisfy a need. An act that is only possible if the two people involved completely love and respect each other, and have total trust in each other, so they can let themselves go completely, feel totally uninhibited and be their true selves. Because I was pretty damn sure that Molly Dawes had never experienced anything like that. And if I got my chance, I was going to change that. I doubted very much that anyone had ever believed in her, spoilt her and most definitely had never shown her what it meant to be loved properly.

But within seconds all my dreams of what we could have went up in smoke. And it was all my fault. I could blame Smurf, I suppose, for mentioning the fact that I was married, but that wouldn't really be fair. How could he know she was hiding in my room when he dropped the bombshell?

It was my fault for being such a fucking idiot and not laying all my cards on the table. It had never felt like the right moment to tell her. So I hadn't. But that was a shit excuse really because if I'd just grown some balls and faced the thing I'd been dreading and purposely avoiding, then she wouldn't have found out the way she did. I hadn't told her about Rebecca and Sam out of fear she wouldn't even consider me if she knew. But if I had, then she wouldn't have found out like that and I wouldn't have to live with this hell of losing her, of causing the girl I really loved no end of pain as I broke her heart and blew her trust in me to smithereens.

Her look of contempt for me was agonising. I tried to explain but she wasn't listening. I wanted to grab her and hug her and explain everything but we were in public and I couldn't even touch her. When she stormed off, I realised I was in the deepest shit and I was going to lose everything. Because Molly Dawes _was_ everything. She meant absolutely everything to me. And because of my weakness I was going to pay the ultimate price, and I'd never felt a loss like it.

And I knew I'd played right into Smurf's hands. Because I had no doubt that if he met up with Dawes now and saw her in the state she was in, she would fall into his arms for comfort and he would have the prime opportunity to pop his question and give her the ring that was burning a hole in his pocket, despite my orders not to. I couldn't let that happen, because even if I had totally cocked up my chance of being with her, I didn't want her to make what would be the greatest mistake of her life by agreeing to marry him, just because she was broken-hearted over me. She didn't love Smurf. She'd told him enough and she'd made it very clear when we talked that she didn't have any feelings for him past being friends. But right now, given the correct combination of affection and sympathy she might forget all that, be tempted, and agree to it.

The timing of my spectacular fuck up couldn't have been worse. We could be out on a mission tonight to capture Badrai and if it went tits up the repercussions would be immense. Lives would most certainly be lost, and although as an officer entrusted with the safety of all my men, I knew I mustn't think like this, there was one life in particular that I would protect no matter what, even if it meant taking a bullet for her.

Seeing the pain and tears in her eyes as we travelled out to our landing zone made me hate myself even more, if that was physically possible. Because I knew full well I was totally responsible for every ounce of pain on her face. I wanted to reach out and touch her. Hold her and make it all go away. But I couldn't. But the one thing I was going to do whatever happened, was, that I was going to get her home in one piece. Even if it was the last thing I did. And ironically, as it turned out, it very nearly was.

On the way to the compound there was a massive explosion and we all threw ourselves to the ground, thinking this was the end. As it happened, it was a false alarm – damn thunder! But the thing I would never forget, and would take with me for the rest of my days was, that as I turned and looked at her in that moment, I knew she was all I wanted, and when we got out of this fucking ditch I was going to make sure that no matter what it cost me, I would put up the biggest fight of my life to win her back from Smurf. I was going to tell her everything. Everything about me. Everything I felt for her. And I prayed to God I could come up with enough to get her back.

Later, at the compound, I managed to get her alone for a few minutes. At the beginning she was short with me – obviously still angry. But I persevered. I told her about Sam. I offered some of me to break the ice. The single most important thing I told her in that room was that I wanted her to be the last thing I saw. When she returned my wishes with one special word, it felt as if everything and everyone around us disappeared. I looked into her eyes, took her face in my hands and gave her the most gentle, loving, and lingering kiss I could find in me. I really lost myself in that moment. I wanted to make sure that I made every second of it count in case I never got another chance. The fact that she kissed me back with what felt like equal feeling gave me the tiniest glimmer of hope that maybe I still had a chance.

When I shared that one wish with her, I had been hoping I was never going to have to actually call it in. But neither of us realised that Smurf had been watching us and was now on the brink of a breakdown. Which meant five minutes later the girl I loved was leaning over me whilst I laid on the bridge bleeding to death. She was looking right at me with the most terrified expression on her face. She was trying to save my life but that look told me that my chances of survival were slim. But it was the fear in her eyes that told me I _hadn't_ lost her. She still wanted me, and she looked very much like she loved me, even though she hadn't told me in so many words. The physical pain in my body was utterly excruciating. But as everything went quiet around me, and then completely dark, the last remaining thoughts in my mind, and the last thing I saw was Molly Dawes, and just before I passed out I told myself that I was going to come back to her, whatever.

When I woke up a week later I was really confused. I couldn't work out why I was lying in a hospital bed feeling really drowsy with a dull ache of pain all over my body. Or why I could hear this continual beeping. Or why I had wires hanging out of me. I had woken up before, I knew. I had memories, or maybe dreams, of Sam, Rebecca, of my mother and father. But just then a shiver passed across my body. And I turned my head to look around the room I was in, and into the corridor outside my room. And there I saw something special. A face that meant everything to me. The face I dreamed of waking up to every morning. The only face I needed to see. Somehow against all the odds we had made it back to each other. The face I saw was that of Molly Dawes and it was smiling back at me.

Many weeks later, as I waited for her to arrive at the restaurant for our first date, I sat thinking about all of the times I'd nearly lost her. There had been too many of them. But without them I knew I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for the next chapter of my life to begin. Because they were the moments that had made us. Those terrible events had forged a bond between us. And as I caught sight of the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen entering the restaurant, I knew instantly that my greatest wish was for that bond to last forever.

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 **A/N: Thank you for the positive response to my first attempt at FF. Your reviews and encouragement make all the difference. This is the final chapter for this story, but I plan to return!**


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